Howdy, folks.
Family can be lovely over the holidays, and if you get to spend time with great people over amazing food this Thanksgiving, I'm thrilled for you.
If this isn't the case--and this is really friggin' normal--you get to do what you need to do.
Let's paint the picture. There's a big family meal, and some of your family make your head explode. Maybe all they can talk about is how the election was stolen and how America is going down the shitter. Maybe they literally talk at the table about passing laws against you. Maybe they get way too drunk and start way too much drama, and you're stressed about timing your exit between the pumpkin pie and the 4th quarter.
The list of reasons for family stress can go on and on.
But here's the thing: You don't have to spend the whole day with them. You don't have to spend ANY of the day with them.
Here are 3 suggestions:
1) Have your own event, either in addition to the family event or in place of it. Invite who you want. Have everybody bring something. Keep it as simple as you want. Have it whenever it works out. Don't let your day suck just because you have some shitty family members.
2) You don't have to go to shitty family events. If you want, you can make an appearance and leave when you want, or you don't have to go at all. Communicate your intentions to the host ahead of time--this decreases pressure in the moment.
3) This one is optional--and you know your situation best. But it's often really useful to tell the host why you're limiting engagement with the family. Be honest. If the family responds negatively to you about this, it'll be proof you made a good choice to limit your engagement. And if they commit to doing better, well that's a good thing.
Don't Kick Your Dog--Tips for Anxiety
Stressed much?
You’re not the only one. There’s the pandemic, of course. And racial tensions. And the economy. School is starting soon (in a pandemic with racial tensions and a shitty economy). And there’s a looming election that might alter the shape of the world. Seriously. If you’re not stressed, I’d like to talk to you.
My mom asked me recently if I’d found people to be having a lot more anxiety in recent months. “Yes”, I said. “A shit-ton more”, I thought—my mom doesn’t like it when I cuss. She asked me what I do to help folks with anxiety, and I asked her if she’d be paying me today. I could hear her blinking on the other end of the phone, I laughed, and I started to tell about a few things I use to help people manage anxiety. Here we go:
1 - Manage Your Expectations of Your Day
If you’re like most people, you have a job, a family, friends, a pet, and a ficus tree—and all of these things have needs. You are one human, and you are capable of accomplishing a great deal, and you also have limits. Be aware of what you can do each day, and be aware of what you can’t do beyond the limits you have. Make these limits concrete—use mindful awareness, use a calendar, make lists, get a tattoo, etch it in stone. You are a worthy human just as you are, and you are already working hard. Limits are healthy.
2 - Reduce Your Exposure to Technology
Just to reprove a point to myself, I turned on my phone—and turned on all my notifications and alerts—while writing this. Just while I was writing this blog, mind you, my phone alerted me that:
A salmonella outbreak is in 43 states and has infected 643 people…don’t eat onions
Tiktok is suing President Trump…my privacy and my freedom of speech are fighting
The world is failing to protect elderly people from dying…super sad
An interview with survivors of the massive explosion in Beirut…how can i help?
My phone never stops—unless I turn it off. I’m not suggesting people don’t stay informed—please do! Check the news over your coffee in the morning, or watch the news over dinner—but that’s it—once a day. If you’re anxious about world events, the steady drip of horror from your phone isn’t going to help. Turn off your notifications, and after you notice how this helps, reduce your exposure to other forms of technology—your computer, your tv, game systems, Alexa, etc. You’ll be surprised at how much these things occupy your attention—and therefore give you anxiety—and you’ll be gratified by the healthy things which start to occupy your attention instead.
3 - Talk to Yourself
And answer yourself. It’s important. I’m really talking about mindfulness here. Every day—ideally several times a day—have a little conversation with yourself. Ask yourself, “How are you? Can I get you something? Anything hurting right now?” If you need something, follow up with yourself. You’re taking care of other people—make sure you take care of yourself, too.
Check yourself for feelings, and talk to your feelings. Stressed? Find where you feel your stress in your body, and say things like, “I see you, and I know where you are. You’re not me, though—I’m separate from you.” Is this a bit weird? Hell, yes. Will this help you feel bigger than your feelings so you can gain control over them? Again, hell yes.
4 - Don’t Kick Your Dog
It’s really normal for anxious people to have pent up energy, and sometimes—if you’re not careful—this can come out of you as anger or aggression. And then you’ll not only be anxious about whatever happened before you kicked your dog (for example), but you’ll also have some appropriate guilt. If you’re the sort who gets feisty when you get anxious, in addition to the above, make sure you move during the day. Not everybody trusts the gyms these days, but that’s ok. Take your walk/run. Find a place for push-ups. Get a punching bag. Have sex more. Being physical will help you prevent the pent-up anxious energy which has caused you to fly off the handle in the past.
5 - Practice Gratitude
This one might sound a little too Oprah, but seriously, there’s something to this. I recently asked a 14-year-old boy what the opposite of anxiety was, and after a long pause with me expecting him to say, “calm”, he said, “gratitude”, and I think he was totally right. There’s been studies on this, there’s been research, the world’s biggest (and smallest) religions all tout the merits of gratitude. Try this when your brain is too busy to sleep/concentrate: set a timer for 90 seconds and think solely on something/someone you’re grateful for. Try to sleep/concentrate right after that. You’re welcome.
My mom says that some of things help, and I hope they’ll be helpful for you. If you need help with anxiety, please reach out:
Joel Smith, LPC CACIII EMDR
(303) 388-7548
Mental Health Care for First Responders
If you’re a first responder, you are daily dealing with others’ traumas, and this will eventually impact your own mental health. It’s important to take care of yourself. In this article from Counseling Today, trauma counselors—including me—describe some ways counseling can be helpful to first responders:
https://ct.counseling.org/2020/07/putting-first-responders-mental-health-on-the-front-lines/
Be well—
Joel